By Thomas G. Busillo
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because I believe a commercial enterprise
Whose operation is already linked
To the tragic deaths of two individuals
Deserves the opportunity to add to that number,
And I trust that the company
Responsible for Dollywood
Knows something about good taste,
And I know deep down that
Without duck tours,
Tourist visits to the city will plummet
From several million a year
To between 30 and 50,
And I think the way you
Deal with a public nuisance
Is to hand it public land
And give it new areas
Of the city to blight.
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because the city isn't noisy enough,
And when I look up
Into the heavens at night
And contemplate what the music
Of the spheres would actually sound like,
It sounds like kazoos to me,
And I love hearing the riotous cacophony
Of a kazoo orchestra
While being gawked at like a zoo animal.
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because I believe the majesty of a grand avenue
With three world-class museums
Needs to be sullied,
And the Thinker needs to start
Contemplating duck-boat exhaust,
And kazoos and shouting
On the Parkway and Eakins Oval
Could lead to distractions and accidents,
And who doesn't like a good distraction
Or a good accident?
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because I believe that dodging
Amphibious tour vehicles
Will increase situational awareness
And cardiovascular fitness,
And I believe that the Schuylkill Trail
Is so peaceful and perfect
That we who use it regularly
Could use a constant reminder
Of the crassness of the world
To kick us out of our reverie.
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because I believe it's antiquated folly
To insist the primary use of public space
Should be the public good,
And I believe the true measure
Of a public space
Is how much revenue
Can be extracted from it at any cost,
And I believe that when Johnny Rotten
Snarled that "tourists are money,"
He was on to something.
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because Ben Franklin would want them there,
And William Penn would want them there,
And Rachel Carson would want them there,
And John Bartram would want them there,
And the guys from Abscam would want them there.
* * * *
I'm in favor of duck boats on the Schuylkill
Because I know it's a lost cause,
And I know it's a done deal,
And you can't fight City Hall,
And my voice is cracked and feeble,
And I believe in letting evil spawn other evils.
Thomas G. Busillo is a poet and homeowner in the Logan Square section of the city.
